[ENG] Is it even worth it anymore? My life in burnout
This was supposed to be my first real reflection, my shy little debut on this blog. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start my story. Like anyone else, my life is a messy map of moments, some more tragic than others.
But I’m giving it a shot anyway. I have a feeling this could be my new home base: a cozy spot with no pressure, no pretenses, and none of those screaming thoughts that usually crowd my head. Yeah, this could work.
Let’s get to the point: I’m just an average 35-year-old guy who spent most of his life drowning in creativity. I’ve poured so much time and energy into art, often sacrificing my own well-being in the process. I had this constant obsession with finding "it," that one thing that would make me feel truly alive, giving away pieces of myself along the twisted path of writing.
I was a late bloomer when it came to expressing myself. I lived inside a shell until I was 18, a suit of armor built out of total insecurity. It’s hard to explain, but it was like living in a wordless dream where you had to stay in the dark with everything you had. Everything felt like it could hurt you, so the void felt healthy, like a safe harbor. Then you trip, you take a hit, you roll out of that nothingness, and suddenly everything clicks. I was awake, clear-headed again. And that awakening happened right when I discovered language and writing, like it just exploded out of me all at once.
After high school, I felt my body catching fire in a weird way. Thoughts turned into paper, paper filled up with words, and those words were written in ink so thick and dense it almost hurt to look at. That was the start of my crusade.
But it was short-lived. Even though I lived a thousand lives through words between the ages of 18 and 26, destroying myself for the craft, I don’t think it was worth it in the end.
I won’t go on and on about why I don’t think living for creativity is worth it anymore. Instead, I want to focus on the aftermath of what I’ve been through, and what I’m still going through, since I walked away from the idea of creating something "wonderful" with the only thing I actually know how to do in this life: write.
That’s exactly why this blog exists. I want to dive into my choices, my moods, and my failures, and hey, maybe even the wins I’m finding during these burnout years.
The first win I can share is that it’s been incredible discovering musical composition and arranging later in life and weaving that into my writing.
The first defeat? I’ve gone and dragged myself into another hostile territory: music.
That’s all for now. Is it enough for a start? No, probably not. But that’s the thing about intros: they never really feel like enough on their own.